07h50

Captain Charlotte “Coco” Brunhild awoke with a start that caused her to throw her hands into the air, finally coming into contact with something in front of her. Her eyes widened with confusion, finally focusing on Cedric Degarmo. Her lieutenant was sitting opposite her, with an expression she recognised because it was the one he always wore on his smooth, perfectly formed face in her vicinity: abject horror and irritation.

‘Cedric,’ she spluttered. ‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded in confusion, blinking rapidly as she attempted to get her bearings.

Cedric raised an eyebrow. ‘What on earth are you talking about? I’m driving us to a crime scene, or else I would be if the traffic ever moved,’ he said, stabbing a finger angrily towards the gridlocked traffic in front of them. ‘It’s Sunday morning; nobody should be out of bed this early.’

Coco pulled herself together, turning her head to and fro, finally realising she was sitting in the passenger seat of a car. She rested her chin against the half-open window before saying, ‘Well, that was a vivid dream,’ and kicked off her boots, placing her feet on the dashboard. Cedric’s nose crinkled in disgust, his eyes hesitating over the mismatched, dirty, practically threadbare socks she wore.

  ‘Anyway, in this dream, I was-’

Cedric held up his hands, then covered his ears. ‘Trust me when I say this, Charlotte: I have no interest in you finishing that sentence,’ he stated earnestly and with complete sincerity.

Ignoring him, Coco continued: ‘It was actually fascinating: I dreamt I was in heaven, and imagine my horror when I discovered there was complete and total abstinence of anything carnal.’ She shuddered. ‘I’m like my girl Blanche Devereux: I have needs and urges,’ she stated dramatically.

‘And then I get some celibate all dressed in white who looked as if he’d never seen the inside of a bra, telling me there is no need for such base actions, and instead in heaven everyone indulges only in aural sex. Well, I misunderstood him at first and thought that at least it was better than nothing, but then he explained what he meant: sex using only the sense of hearing. Let me tell you, I don’t mind a little dirty talk, but you gotta seal the deal afterwards, you know what I’m saying?’

Cedric turned his head towards the street and closed his eyes as if wishing he were anywhere but in the car.

‘Rude,’ Coco mouthed. ‘And then you woke me up, which is a shame cos I wouldn’t have minded a little dirty talk.’

Cedric sighed and rolled his eyes, tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel.

The two detectives had worked together out of the Commissariat de Police du 7e arrondissement for over a decade, forming an unorthodox yet productive relationship. Cedric stood by Coco when she needed it the most, when her life imploded following the arrest and imprisonment of their former commander, a man who also just happened to have fathered the two youngest of Coco’s four children.

His replacement, Imane Demissy, a forthright, opportunistic career police officer, made no secret of her disdain for Coco and her often outlandish methods. Yet, Coco and Cedric’s frequently remarkable clean-up rate left Demissy with little to complain about besides Coco’s blatant disregard for rules and regulations. Nevertheless, they had settled into a comfortable enough working relationship.

Coco pulled her hair into a ponytail. She’d dyed it blue for no particular reason other than that it annoyed her father when she was a rebellious teenager, which pleased her immensely. Since then, it had become a habit she had not broken, primarily because Coco had a stubborn streak, mainly when she was told to do something such as conform. It tended to frizz on humid days, and anyone getting too close to her was liable to a sharp static shock.

Finally, Cedric said, ‘It’s not like you’ll end up in heaven anyway; you’ll be going to the other place.’

Coco clapped, her mouth twisting. ‘Maybe. Either way, it won’t know what hit it when I come kicking the door in.’

She paused. ‘I was thinking: before Demissy gets a chance to fire me, I should change my pronouns, and then I can claim unfair dismissal.’

Cedric gave her an incredulous look. ‘Change to what?’ he asked in disbelief.

Coco smiled. ‘She/Her,’ she replied. ‘That should give them something to think about.’

He shook his head. ‘That makes no sense. I don’t know why I continue to engage with you; it’s like I encourage the crazy in you to come out.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘And I gotta say, even for you, the crazy is truly on full display these days. What’s up?’ He bit his lip. ‘Is this about Sonny getting married?’

‘Non, it isn’t,’ Coco pouted. One of her oldest and closest friends, the pathologist Dr. Schlomo Bernstein, known affectionately to everyone as Sonny for his bright and cheerful personality, had, after a whirlwind courtship, married Sarah, a woman the polar opposite of Coco. She and Sonny had dallied on the precipice of having a relationship. Still, it had never amounted to anything, primarily because Coco realised he was one of the few stable male influences in her children’s lives. Her track record of relationships made her unwilling to gamble on losing someone so important to her.

‘Anyway, what is up with everyone all of a sudden?’ Coco grumbled. ‘Even you’re dating someone, and for once, you’re not having to pay her for the privilege.’

Cedric beamed proudly. He had recently become reacquainted with a former one-night stand, who, after some persistent persuasion, agreed to go on a real date with him. Several months had passed, and the relationship was growing stronger.

‘How’s Helga, by the way?’ Cedric asked with a mischievous malevolence that irritated Coco more than it should.

Coco glared at him. Helga, the aged German nanny who slept at the foot of Coco’s bed on a rollaway mattress in exchange for helping Coco with her two youngest children, had also recently begun dating. 

‘She’s fine,’ Coco responded tartly.

‘And Barbra and Julien?’

‘Both fine,’ Coco snapped. Her eldest children had now left home and were living with partners. Even Esther, Coco’s youngest child, barely seven years old, had recently announced that she was “in a relationship.”

‘I just don’t get it; why is everyone so loved up all of a sudden?’ Coco complained. ‘Is it something in the water?’

‘And what about Mathieu?’ Cedric continued with a smile.

Coco lit a cigarette and deliberately blew the smoke towards her lieutenant. Mathieu was a touchy subject. Some years earlier, they’d met him on a case when he was a confused twenty-year-old monk. By the end of the investigation, he not only lost his cassock, but he had found his way into Coco’s bed. Coco knew from the beginning that the relationship was doomed, not least because he was over two decades younger than she was, and above all else, she had no desire to raise another man or produce a child for him. However, there was no denying the chemistry between them, but it wasn’t one she wanted to pursue. Still, the fact that she missed him troubled her immensely because it was an emotion she was unused to and unsure how to handle.

‘Anyway,’ she said, grumpily kicking open the car door, ‘I thought we were supposed to be here to investigate a murder, not chitter-chatter like schoolgirls. Let’s get on with it.’