08h10

‘I’ve been up since the crack of ass,’ Captain Charlotte “Coco” Brunhild grumbled, stomping heavily booted across the snow. ‘And I hate goddamn snow,’ she added with a dramatic flourish as she slipped. Throwing one hand out to steady herself, she connected with Lieutenant Cedric Degarmo's groin with such force that it pushed him backwards, and he fell with an angry thud onto the hard ground.

‘Motherf_’

‘Oh, quit whining,’ Coco bristled. ‘It's not as if you’ve got anything down there to hurt.’

Cedric eyed her with the position of a man used to keeping his mouth reined in. The two detectives continued in silence, their bodies pressed next to one another as they trudged along the narrow, treacherous walkway. They had worked together for over a decade, side by side, out of the Commissariat de Police du 7e arrondissement, a busy Paris suburb known mainly for its towering phallic monument that drew in millions of visitors every year, ensuring Coco, Cedric and their colleagues at the commissariat were never short of work.

That particular morning, Commander Imane Demissy, her direct superior, a woman who had yet to see the point of Coco, had unceremoniously dispatched Coco to find a missing tourist. At a little after 05h00, Coco dropped the cell phone down her top in horror at being roused at such an early hour, only for Demissy to inform her that the missing man, Aaron Scott, was the teenage son of an American senator. He had gone out that night and disappeared somewhere between falling out of a strip joint and heading to a brothel in the 7e’s vicinity. Coco had been delighted to squeeze out of her cramped bed, ensuring she would not wake her two youngest children, Cedric and Esther, nor disturb the au pair, a stern German woman named Helga. Coco knew better than to wake them in the middle of the night.

Coco slipped again, reaching out to grab Cedric’s arm, but he dropped it to the side, leaving her to collapse into a heap on the ground. ‘You truly are hanging on by a ball hair,’ Coco glowered at him.

Cedric, a tall, muscular man with a chiselled face, blond hair shaved into a buzz cut, and a penchant for always smelling of carbolic soap, offered her a withering smirk and countered, ‘Yours or mine?’

Not giving Coco a chance to respond, Cedric pulled down his skullcap and trudged on.

He gestured ahead. ‘There are only two whore houses on the way between the strip joint and our missing VIPs hotel,’ he blew into the wind, adding, ‘And I happen to know Sadie’s is closed right now.’

Coco clambered to her feet, shaking snow from her mane of blue-dyed hair, and caught up to him. ‘Oh, “you happen to know,” do you?’ she demanded with interest. ‘What happened? You gave all of Sadie's girls the clap?’

Cedric ground abruptly to a halt, rounding on Coco, noticing for the first time that under her usual blue and green woollen overcoat, she was wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt emblazoned with an OnlyFans logo. ‘What the hell are you wearing?’

Coco rubbed her chest. ‘Well, it’s laundry day, and I figured it pays to advertise, non?’

Cedric extended his hand, counting off on his fingers. ‘Un: you say every day is laundry day because you never actually do the freaking laundry, et deux: no one, and I do mean, no one, is ever, ever, EVER going to pay to see you shake your stuff on a webcam. Trust me, this I know.’

Coco pulled back her shoulders and stuck out her chest. ‘Hey, I’ll have you know, I was told by a highly influential person that I could make a fortune by shaking my money maker…’

‘The homeless dude who lives outside your apartment building isn’t highly influential,’ Cedric countered. ‘He’s just high.’

Coco pushed past him. ‘I’ll never understand why I gave you permission to talk in my presence,’ she huffed.

They continued along the path. It was still dark; the only illumination was a dull moon and the naked bulb of a broken streetlamp.

‘So, where’s this other whore house?’ Coco asked. ‘Or, as you know it, your second home?’

Cedric clicked his tongue irritably, pointing ahead. ‘Over there on the left.’

Coco nodded and strode ahead, stopping in front of what she considered a normal-looking house. ‘You’d think it would be a bit fancier,’ she complained.

Cedric snorted. ‘What were you expecting, red lights and feather boas?’

Coco moved her shoulders. ‘Well, yeah. You gotta create the atmosphere. Did I ever tell you…’

Cedric threw his hands in the air and then covered his ears. ‘Nope, nope, nope,’ he gushed. ‘Any sentence that starts with “Did I ever tell you” invariably makes me wanna stand under a steaming hot shower until my skin bleeds.’

Coco gawped at him, her mouth twisting into a smug smile. ‘So, I get you hot, do I?’

He gave her an incredulous look. ‘That’s what you took away from that sentence?’

Coco reached over and tenderly touched his arm. ‘Hey, don’t sweat it, kid. I know it’s tough.’ She gestured to her body. ‘And I know you’ve seen the goods, so it must be tough having to work alongside me every day knowing you can’t have me, mais…’

Cedric rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, it’s a real challenge,’ he said, deadpan.

She squeezed his arm. ‘That’s my brave soldier. Anyway, let’s get this show on the road.’ She turned around and began hammering on the front door.

‘We’re going for the subtle approach, I see,’ Cedric said.

Coco ignored him and continued knocking on the door. ‘Hey, what’s a person gotta do to get laid around here?’ she bellowed.

Somewhere nearby, a light went on, and a window slammed open. ‘Keep the damn noise down, will you!’ a woman called down.

Coco stepped back into the street, finding herself facing a large woman squeezed into a neon pink nightdress. ‘Cool threads,’ Coco whistled. ‘Listen, sis, sorry to bother you, but,’ she fished around the oversized Chanel bag she carried everywhere with her. Finding what she sought amongst the debris inside took her a few moments. Finally, she extracted her police ID and thrust it into the air. ‘Flics,’ she called out.

The woman in the window muttered obscenities under her breath. ‘We’ve done nothing wrong,’ she said plainly.

Coco gave her a surprised look. ‘Well, honey, if you’ve done nothing wrong, then you ain’t doing it right.’

The woman turned her attention to Cedric. ‘Is she for real?’

Cedric shook his head. ‘Dieu, I hope not.’

Coco tutted. ‘What’s your name, honey?’

‘Fifi,’ the woman replied.

Cedric snorted. ‘Of course it is!’

Coco gave him a disparaging look before turning back to Fifi. ‘Anyway, Fifi, unless you want me to keep shouting your business for the entire street to hear, how about you come down and open the door? I’m freezing my admittedly fabulous ass off down here.’

Fifi watched them, clearly weighing up her options. Finally, she sighed and closed the window, disappearing back into the house.

As they waited, Coco turned her attention back to Cedric. ‘So, what’s the going rate these days?’ she asked him.

‘How the hell am I supposed to know?’ he barked.

Coco’s mouth twisted. ‘Touchy,’ she mouthed. ‘I didn’t mean to touch a raw nerve.’

The door swung open, and Cedric pushed past Coco. ‘Finally,’ he complained.

Fifi led them into a narrow, dimly lit hallway. Coco strained to see ahead of them. Somewhere in the house came the telltale sounds of someone in the middle of sex. Coco raised an eyebrow. ‘Someone’s keen,’ she purred.

‘What is this about?’ Fifi snapped.

Coco pulled out her cell phone and held it up before the woman. ‘We’re looking for this young man. He seems to have gotten lost from his group, and his father is in full-on panic mode…’

Fifi narrowed her eyes, staring at the phone in such a way as to suggest she was too vain to wear glasses. ‘Ah, pencil dick.’

Coco chuckled. ‘So you know him?’

‘Know him?’ Fifi responded haughtily. ‘Rolls up here pissed, throws up all over one of my girls and then passes out in one of my best rooms.’

‘He’s still here?’ Coco interjected.

Fifi nodded. ‘I couldn’t rouse him; besides, he hadn’t paid. This isn’t a homeless shelter. Men have to pay to spend the night here.’

Cedric extended his hand. ‘Show us where he is, and we’ll get him out of your way.’

Fifi bit her lip nervously. ‘Sure, but he’s still gotta pay. And he certainly can. He has five credit cards and four hundred euros in his wallet.’ She stopped, noticing the expression on Cedric's face. ‘It fell open when I was helping him onto the bed,’ she said forcefully.

Coco stepped ahead, opening a door. She gasped, seeing a young Asian woman and a fat white man. Coco covered her eyes. ‘Oops! I saw nothing,’ she exclaimed, pulling the door closed. Her mouth contorted. ‘Well, that was embarrassing,’ she said. ‘More so for the old dude. As far as I could tell, the chick doesn't have much to work with.’

‘Madame, s’il vous plaît,’ Fifi wailed.

‘Mademoiselle,’ Coco corrected. ‘Mais, you can call me Coco if you like.’

Fifi gave her a look of distaste. ‘I’d rather not,’ she said. ‘Come on, follow me, but don’t open any more doors for Dieu's sake.’

Cedric laughed at Coco and fell into line, Coco reluctantly following them. ‘Hey,’ she called after the woman. ‘Are you looking for good sex?’

Fifi stopped. ‘What are you talking about? Non, I’m not looking for good sex.’

Coco smiled. She nudged Cedric. ‘Then that’s good. You’ve come to the right place with Lieutenant Degarmo here.’

Cedric looked horrified. ‘Shut up!’ he cried. He turned to Fifi. ‘Don’t listen to her. She knows nothing about me.’

‘Tosh!’ Coco exclaimed. ‘I know it for a fact because I’ve seen him naked, and he spends every night down at the gym taking steroids, which means his poor little thing is now all withered away.’

Cedric shook his head in disbelief. ‘You truly are insane. I mean, I’ve always known it, but you’re getting worse. And besides, you’ve NEVER seen me naked. It’s me who has seen you naked, or have you forgotten?’ He stopped abruptly, realising he had said too much.

Fifi wagged her finger between them. ‘I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you. I only know this: I ought to be charging you.’ She yawned. ‘Anyway, let’s get this over with so I can get a few hours of sleep before the next line of hopeless cases starts knocking on my door.’

She led them through a maze of corridors before climbing a flight of stairs. She stopped, unlocking a door.

‘You locked him in?’ Cedric asked.

‘Bien sûr,’ Fifi retorted. ‘I’m not a thief. I wanted to allow him to pay up on his own.’ She gestured to the lock. ‘That’s why I have to lock the door. For some reason, when drunken bums wake up, they like to sneak off with their tails between their legs and without paying their bills.’

She moved across the room to a bed where a half-naked young man was spread-eagled. ‘Is this your guy?’ Fifi asked.

Coco joined her by the bed. ‘Yeah, that’s Aaron Scott,’ Coco said, her eyes moving slowly over his torso, covered in dry vomit. She nudged him with her foot. ‘Hey, Aaron, wake up,’ she called out. He did not stir. Coco gestured to Cedric. ‘Give me a hand, and we’ll get him to his feet.’

Cedric reluctantly joined her, and between them, they dragged a groggy Aaron Scott to his feet. He struggled to open his eyes and began muttering incomprehensible words at them.

‘It’s okay, kid,’ Coco said reassuringly. ‘We’re the good guys. Your father asked us to look for you…’

‘Dad?’ Aaron spluttered. ‘Oh, God, I’m gonna hurl…’

Before anyone had a chance to react, Aaron turned his head and sprayed vomit all over Cedric. Coco squealed, releasing the young man and jumping backwards. Cedric looked horrified over his now sodden chest and began retching. Watching the unfolding scene, Coco threw back her head, laughing raucously.

‘Hey, Fifi,’ Coco cackled. ‘I just thought of a great joke. What do you get if you cross a duck with a prostitute?’ She paused, waiting for a response that did not come, before finally adding with a dramatic flourish, ‘A quack whore!’ She collapsed in a fit of giggles, then gave a bow. ‘Merci, mes amis, I’m here all week…’

Aaron Scott stared at her, his eyes wide with confusion. He gawped at Cedric and vomited over him again.